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J is for the great Jean-Luc Godard, the cineaste's cineaste, who will be at the festival, launching Notre Musique, a triptych of dialogue-free sequences set to music. Godard's legendarily difficult art gives the festival a lot of serious intellectual credibility. Just wait until you hear the Parisians explaining the plot to their girlfriends in the bar of the Majestic...


L is for Laminates. Every delegate, producer, journalist and cameraman has to carry one. They're colour-coded to indicate your importance and rights of entry to events. Bottom of the scale is a yellow pass that scores you a free lime cordial in the Press Bar, but nothing else. Then blue and green. Top of the scale is a pink-with-yellow-spots laminate, which gets you into premieres and press conferences. Rumours exist of an even higher, platinum-Amex-style card that gets you into "everything bar Meg Ryan's knickers". It's also for Launch Party; for example, the epic thrash Miramax threw last year for The Matrix Reloaded. It cost $1m. No journalists were invited. It still rankles. This year's biggies are the Kill Bill Volume 2 party, the Vanity Fair do and the MTV thrash, to be opened by Cameron Diaz.


M is for Michael Moore, whose new documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11, his first since Bowling for Columbine, is in competition and will cause all manner of ructions. Moore will undoubtedly use the press conference to inveigh against President Bush's suspiciously cosy links with the Bin Laden family - and against the Disney Corporation for refusing to distribute the film. Also for free Magazines distributed to every hotel, restaurant and bar every morning; you have to learn the strange abbreviated language of the trade (pic meaning the film, thesp meaning actor, helmer meaning director, prexy meaning president and "BO holding well despite post-Easter blahs" meaning God knows what).


O is for 'Ohmigod, this is crap,' the thought that occurs to you in the stalls, half an hour into a film that was promised as "gripping and suspenseful". It's not. You'd rather cut off your arm than watch on. My all-time "Ohmigod" movie was an Argentine treat called La Cruz Del Sur, a work of stupefying misery and despair about a violent, crack-smoking smuggler, his silent, weeping girlfriend, his transexual brother and his dysfunctional parents who live in a depopulated seaside resort on a hill filled with skeletons. 041b061a72


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